彼岸无花

No flower at the other bank

A missing, which dripped down, formed into a sea

-----Preface

To fall in love with him since meeting Zisong. The gentle and cultivated smile is just as his name. Following with the slight rain, I have been in the illusion at the first glance.

One girl, one city.

Living alone and accompanied by the loneliness, I have been used to this kind of rhythm for a long time.

My long hair was rolled by the soft wind of summer night and they twisted their fascinating waist like a real dancer. I turned back glimpsing at him when he was under a gesture of side.

Being face to face and eye to eye.

Momentarily, my cheek started to tremble and get burned out of control.I removed my damning sight at a loss, but there is no place to lay them. And then, I was lost.

Wet enough to twist water from the sky and written by depravity and indifference everywhere is the city. But I thought, at the moment, I found my happiness and pursuit.

It, maybe, didn't belong to me. However, I would wait here until it came back.

I found him again at the same place and the same moment a week later. This is a milk tea shop, which is sited in the crowded street with a cross that can distort the universe. And I got his name called Zisong.

A gesture on his side as the last time, shaped a picture impressing in my mind. In the meantime somebody called him and he turned replying.

I remembered that your name is Zisong.

The city is wet, but there is a stranger who unexpectedly made me take care of so much. 

I quitted the job of the model company and composed freely at home. A few tunes or essay were taken to the press, which could just support my poor life.

I, however, developed a new habit. Going to the milk tea shop at 7:30 in the afternoon became my routine. Perhaps, this habit would be a faithand a hope of living.

Indeed, I was waiting a meet.

And this action, exactly presented me a dreaming picture of mine.

I don't believe the affection falling in love at first meet. Maybe my feeling to him was just a diversion of belief. Maybe what we could become are only ever friends. But I was satisfied with it.

Now it's 7:30. The sky was grey and my line of sight dim. But, this summer night was lit by a man called Zisong.

The curtain would not be laid down.

I, with my whole world, have accepted this kind of alternation and regulation and conviction, but dared not to deduce whether this was love affection.

One day, I wrote in my diary,

"You are my scene,

the expectation of everyday, is your coming,

to watch the warmth blinking in your eyes,  

wish you come to the other side of the road,

yes, the waiting of 23 hours 59 minutes and 59 seconds is just for the rest second,

on which you were there."

ⅡYou don't understand that just some sand flowed into my eyes

One day, unexpectedly, you appeared in my world. Zisong was in front ofme obviously at the doorway of community where I rent a room with my own.

All of this was really unexpected.

"Hello, I am Zisong."

Staring at him, how surprised I was!

Did he find out he was secretly watched by me?

Did he remember me too?

Did he observe me too?

……

All of a sudden, my brain was filled with the word "why". I didn't knowwhat to do under the situation of some indescribable agony and something quarreling and noisy.

I hesitated at first, then replied,"Hi, my name's Cenci".

But these words, actually changed into my ever sorrow from now on. That's real that he came and went. He's gone without any trace. The unique rest was my misery, which he had no reason to take away.

The love affection between Zisong and Cenci, is in the state of pieces.

How we got together on earth is quite beyond me.

He often teased that there was a girl whose face was easy to turn red. Her sight appeared so nervous and uncertain all the time when he saw her.

I still haven't been back to my former company, or maybe I was not able to.

I still faced the computer that cost father 1000 yuan. But my brain hadeffaced those words: It is I who provide you with money and so many things… The latter words had been blocked out of my ear.

This is my world that just belongs to me. But it's added by a series ofmemory and missing as well as sorrow.

Maybe there is some oath that will cost the whole life to forget.

However, the missing, had formed into a sea with every drop during daysand nights.

Where is my dream? The flowers bloomed at the other bank? All had gone away with nothing left.

The flowers, maybe, ever bloomed, but, has been withered.

 

 

These days, maybe I would occasionally recall my perplexed face when he broke into my heart and world on that day.

He is the cigarette and easy to be addicted to.

This winter, I, with myself, faced the bitter wind which penetrated my chest and the dark night and the paleness and myself, and the life that I didn't adapt long before. I went on stepping in this hollow city which was very shadowy. The feeling of mine was probably not real. The life that I liked and used to adapt has been far away.

Do you know that my heart has been dead after you had gone? My love went so far as to disappear without trace after burning down.

My thought, my life and my capital of dinner has gone away. I had no feeling to go on my composition. All that I wrote was about you.

Of course, you know, it is impossible for me to betray our days.

I stayed in the cottage for a whole month, without any idea.

I prefer not to go back the home that shouldn't be called home. Rumor has it that father had remarried and they were very happy.

All of them was rumor, just rumor.

I didn't want to continue hearing the rumor.

You left quietly, and changed your phone, without any message on whatever the MSN or the QQ. You must know you should give me a reason. Maybe "no reason" was a reason. But even this "no reason" never befell me. Just one Zisong, vanished from my world.

You dreamed of taking away all that concerned you, including your photos, your memorandum and all the others.

Nevertheless, you forgot that you could not take the past days that belonged to us even if you took all your things away.

I wonder why, why did you want to go, so free and easy with the last length of your hair. 

Why didn't you leave my soul? My pursuit became the pursuit of yours. But my faith, died away.

It is you that make me so agonizing.

I will find you.

I made a visit home. To be exactly, it's grandfather's home. Grandpa could not get out of the bed. He needed to be taken care of. The family of uncle's gave me a warm welcome. My niece, Jinger, was very tall. I guess she was about to go to school. I aimed to visit grandpa and brought some fruit and whitethorn. But they were eaten up by Jinger without shyness. Looking on Jinger's eating, I was very gratified. I gave her an embrace before leaving.

Then I set out dropping all the missing.

 

 

This was a journey belonging to one person, but the scene belonged to more than one. A wise poet said,

You enjoy the view standing on the bridge,

The people seeing the view is looking at you,

The light moon decorates your window,

You decorate some other's dream.

Is this written by BianZhilin? I've no idea. What I know is this poet is very brilliant.

I don't know whether my image could get into your dream, Zisong. But, in my dream is nothing except you.

The train gradually roared far away from the scene of city. I had less and less distance with your hometown. I still seated in the same site of number 1232 at k800 coach which took me to search my faith lost before.

I, without a word, saw the people clamor and laugh as well as the naughty children on the train during a whole day and night. At the moment, my mind was full of details about our days.

I recalled the boss of the milk tea shop, who had a fresh and gentle smile and from whom he somehow searched my trace.

I recalled you had bound me to a happiness with your arm.

I recalled you had grabbed and raised my hands and put them on my chest and told me that I was in your hands and here as well.

I recalled you had suddenly stood in front of me saying "hello, my name is Zisong."

I recalled our awkward gestures when being on waltz together. And your simple smile had embedded in my heart.

Your shadow was still very distinct.

The sorrow grinned as well.

When the silence depressed on my chest, I changed a gesture and took out a collected essays made to be a shield to protect my poor emotion from being infected by the hurt that he left me.

I ate and drank nothing during the whole day and night.

I should have waited for you, but why did I go on the journey to search for you so urgently?

Those words, bare with sharp rays of light, stinged my eyes. There were so much warmth and happiness clamoring and showing under my eyes. At the moment, I burst into tears more and more even covering my face. They wound their way through my collar and into my wound.

"What's gong on, girl? What kind of book is so moving?"

I suddenly woke up, "Nothing, you know, just some sand was blown into my eyes." 

 

 

I forgot how long I had not smiled. Now recalling this remote expression should made me a little inadaptable.

I am an inferior girl. And this kind of inferiority can't be interpreted in one or two words. Inferiority is indeed a spirit which can turn to a custom being used to deal with life, whereas, it isn't able to persuade me to give up my faith.

I was obsessed with nothing, but you.

Here was coming I.

When stepping on this plain of dry field, bitter wind scraped my cheek defiantly. 

I would cover every inch of this ground in the strange city.

Wulumuqi, Xinjiang.

Zisong, a Hans in the Municipality of Weiwuer minority, who has a long curl hair even covering the ears. But he said to me he is a genuine Hans people.

You had gone without a word. Whatever would you do if we met again, return or escape?

The winter of Wulumuqi, is bitterly cold.

The amber you presented me was grabbed in my palm. I didn't care the frostbites on the back of my hands even if they were increasingly severe. The amber was not permitted into cold for it contained your taste.

I took down all of my jewelry since they were, maybe, too cold to put on, or used to be my rent.

My darlings, I was sure I would redeem all of you later.

I went to the bar with the atmosphere of which he was fond every day, with the hope that he could appear suddenly. So there always was a girl sitting alone on a quiet corner, with no wine.

No one noticed her under the dim light.

Afterwards, my waiting for him was over with no acquisition. But the curtain of my world lit by him, couldn't be fallen.

Finally one day, embracing an agonizing heart, I crouched on a street corner with tears covering my face.

I saw him.

I saw him and another girl in his arm. They were very happy.

But I had no energy to go to them to make an enquiry.

There was a wound lamp murmuring, which tearing up my heart, with no tears.

I tried to persuade me to believe that I would be gratified if he was happy, but I failed. I couldn't succeed to deceive me and my ever payment.

What's the amber, Zisong? You ever said that's a drop of your tears which floats to nowhere except the heart of Cenci's. You also said it represents the everlast weight and your love last for ever.

But now, I was very miserable.

However, you're my faith and I can't hate you.

 

 

OK, if you could betray my affection, I would sell our past days as well.

I continued to write and took the works left in that month to the press.

Now that you had gone away, I must firmly live on my own.

I was just for the faith, even if it wouldn't be the former faith.

The characters, dropping on the monitor and leaping between the pen and paper, penetrated into my eyes and stung my heart.

All that cluttered has turned into agony which had once been my sweet.

Some voice floated around my ear: I love him, but I bumbled to the end of despair. My soul was badly destroyed but couldn't remove.

Ⅲ You came back and between us is only silence.

Why did you come back again when I began to get peaceful?

Another summer.

One morning, when I opened the door, I found a man, who had made me living as well as dead, crouching against the doorway. He was waken up by the moving door. Beside him was his luggage.

He came back.

Looking at me, this man stood up at once and twittered: honey, give me an arm.

I was a little bewildered seeing his excitement hiding some weariness.

"What's going on?" Aren't you excited after my return?"

Now it was him that appeared in front of me. I, however, kept silent.

I didn't know what to say. I dare not face this situation.

At last, you firstly spoke to me,"Do you still love me?"

I turned back,"What if love, and what if no love?" He broke into my room and held me with his arms from my back just before I closed the door.

"Cenci, xiaoci, my honey, please listen to me!"

"It's late for nearly one year. Your reason came late." Every word of mine, was build of frozen stone.

I tried to get rid of him, but I failed.

Silent again.

It's the second time that he broke the silence,"I went back, you know, because of my sister. Look at this photo of my family."

I pushed out his phone after a glance at it.

It's her, who I had seen.

It's her smile that beat my heart to pieces. It's her who made me almost die.

I queried,"Why did you leave without any words to me? Why didn't you send any message to me? Why did you take away all your staffs? Why is it much more important to visit your sister than making me sorrowful? Why did you not even tell me you had a sister? Whatever am I? Whatever am I?"

My enquiry gradually became a roar.

He took me in his arms,"OK,OK, it's my fault, but I love you. Trust me please."

After a short while, he began to sob. I turn my face to look at Zisong. I was astonished that this heartless man could unexpectedly make tears.

His fascinating eyes were indeed wet and my collar was finally wet as well.

Then another disgusting words was spoken by him and I didn't do anything.

I said,"You need not account to me. No relation is the very answer to me.  

"But I have seen you in Wulumuqi."

"So you proudly insist that I still love you and come here to tell me that woman is your sister?"

I burst into tears before I finished my words.

"No, it's not like that. Though she is my own sister, she said she loved me. So I left my hometown. After all, we can't become beloved. I left with the hope that someone can get into her heart and replace me. But after my leaving, she was in a very bad condition and nearly mentally-disturbed…." He sobbed again.

"What's wrong with her later on?" asked me.

"Then my parents requested me to go back at once. I hesitated one day and determined not to tell you. You know, she would kill herself if I got out of her sight. That I went back was equal to be imprisoned by her. I couldn't leave her even when I was in toilet she would tie to me. I was not allowed to answer any phone call or send messages. I tried to send a message to you secretly, but I failed. Then mother suggest I take her to hang around. I did so and she was very happy. So every day I take her out and do some shopping to make her delight."

"But this can't solve the problem," I said. "Nevertheless, I trust you incompletely." I thought in my mind.

Then he said,"Afterwards, our family really couldn't bear her affliction and sent her to the mental hospital. And I decided to give you a pleasant surprise."

"And," he added,"I didn't find that you saw us. I just found you got into the pub with your own."

"Zisong, aren't you afraid that I went with others?"

"No, you won't, I know you love me."

Then he turned my trunk and kissed me.

 

 

But there was a lot of things that he wasn't able to account for.

Taking all the things away was aimed to make you forget him. Don't be silly, Cenci!" I suddenly recalled these words told by a friend of mine.

I had no words.

But Zisong, is mine, is the whole sense of my life, my happiness and my faith.

You were so weary, how could I not let you in?

The train arrived at the station at 3 O'clock in the morning. You got to my cottage and waited at the doorway until dawn in case I was disturbed.

I still stayed in your heart. He slept sound and I put his ticket into my note.

The lovely ticket, was the witness that he loved me.

We still loved each other and went through the past trace. The smile came back to me again because of him. Rainbow rose in my sky again.

Ⅳ Cruelty is all the reality.

Our happiness just lasted a few months before he went away.

He went away for ever.

He died.

He closed his eyes quietly in my arms in this wet and indifferent city. I have forgot how to weep.

Many people around us murmured something, but no one was willing to save him. I called for help extremely grieved. What I acquired were nothing but many disdainful looks.

I search for help to the passers-by. None of them wanted to carry Zisong who was full of blood in his body. "It's awfully terrible of me if that man died in my vehicle, and maybe I will turn to the wrecker. I'm not so stupid as you think."

I was astounded.

You would pass away only at the age of 24. You would go away for ever, so young.

I wept for you for the last time before your cremation. You are my Zisong!

Then I took his remains back to Wulumuqi, rang his parents up and heard the their mournful crying.

When I handed his bone ash to his mother's hand, her white hair greeted my eyes, which had been black in the photo half a year ago. I missed my father looking at this scene.

They let me sit down. "What's the relationship between you and Zisong?" I was very shocked," Didn't he tell you? I'm his girlfriend."

…………

Everything came to light.

I opened his honey diary, and read the words that how he loved her and how she hurt him. I felt his sorrow and pain, and was also painful of his tears that had dripped on my shoulders though they were just for her.

You, were a wretch as well.

The stories about him and her filled with the pieces of paper, with only two of them.

And me? Where was I?

My name at last appeared and I forgave him.

He said he felt guilty to me and determined to go back to me and take good care of me.

The date was the day before he came back.

A song named "Why did you tell a lie?" greeted to my mind:

I went away this time without any words to speak.

I preferred not go on with the hope that any excellence appearing.

How could you feel at ease if I knew nothing?

I still couldn't seize your stubbornness.

But I know about you.

Why did you tell a lie?

You said you were still there, no leaving at all.

I wish I could stay here.

But it's too late.

I wasn't able to be crazy for our future like before.

You need not account for your lies.

You couldn't say I hadn't been in love and not waited with sorrow.

I was also to say maybe we could try again but I would keep silent.

You always asked me whether my love was still there.

You asked me how I couldn't be regretful.

And my tears dripped down quietly.

   

 

He really doesn't have a sister. That girl was his girlfriend. Because that girl would marry some other people, he left the hometown.

Then he met Cenci.

When he got prepared for a new life, that girl he originally loved returned to him. He was told that she had been dismissed by that rich man.

So he dismissed Cenci.

However, that girl still married another man.

Then he came back to this Cenci, who could die for him and had been entirely hurt by him.

It's true that taking all the stuff away means no need to urge staying.

I, still live in this wet and indifferent city. What is different, I won't believe the damn love affection easily.

Should I go back home to visit father tomorrow?

I stop writing, and writing him.

What if he didn't die and I knew the truth? Would I stay beside him?

What if I didn't know the truth? Would we be happy?

What if he told me the truth? Would I forgive him?

What if?

What if …?

Zisong, I forgive you.

Dad, I come back and bring the cakes you like best.

Dad, I bring back mother's deadee.

Dad, do you live happily with this lady?

……

The house, which I lost long before, is rightly in front of me.

I woke up from the dream.

No flower at the other bank.

over